Learn something new every day

So, I haven't blogged for a long time.  Okay, a really long time.  I thought at first I'd write some kind of long apology, listing all the various excuses for my absence, then reprimanding myself publicly for creating the excuses, and then coming up with some passionate manifesto for how I am going to write all of the time - no - every day from now on.  I thought about making myself write 100 times that I will not take a day off from blogging ever again, even if I don't feel like it, because writing something  is better than nothing at all.  And that getting started is the hardest part and the first step...blah blah blah.

Fuck, no. That just seemed pathetic.

But!  It got me thinking about lists.  I fucking love lists.  Love 'em.  Like a beyond-all-reason-and-sense, cannot-function-without-them kind of love. So, instead of a self-deprecating, pitiful diatribe about my shortcomings as a writer, I am going to write a list. (Hear that? It even sounds cool. Lisssst.)

Here it is: My list of 50 things I've learned since the last time I blogged:


1) Running a marathon with a fracture in your femur is a really bad idea. (This may seem obvious to you, but for some reason, I had to prove it, myth-buster style.)
2) If you choose to try the task in #1, do not select a marathon in the mountains. (Yes, really.)
3) There is a "caterpillar season" in New Orleans.  It rains catepillars.  (Note to self: Buy a super umbrella.)
4) Subway stairs and crutches don't mix.  Unless, of course, you're using the crutches as a weapon against a groper, flasher, or other assailant.  In that case, they're like peanut butter and jelly.
5) Moving across the country is like giving your life a cold shower.
6) Being homesick for New York City is a little like having nostalgia for an abusive relationship.
7) Poptarts are even better when you can buy them in bulk.
8) New Orleans is the true "city that doesn't sleep."
9) How to properly operate a motor vehicle in Louisiana. (Pedal to the metal, except if you're drunk.  Then it's 20 miles per hour down a six-lane highway.  Oh, and treat pedestrians like speedbumps.)
10) Patience.
11) Patience.
12) More patience.
13) Sometimes it's okay to be a hermit.
14) Being broke isn't fun no matter where you are.
15) King cake might just be the world's most perfect food.
16) The Intergalactic Krewe of Chewbacchus exists.
17) So does Barkus.
18) Being sober in New Orleans is a little like going to a Halloween party without a costume.
19) How to make the best mac and cheese ever.
20) Success as an artist comes from building a house out of quicksand and not giving up until it is strong enough to withstand a tidal wave.
21) Smiling gets harder when you're a grown up.
22) How to pick a lock.
23) Sometimes you physically can't stop crying.
24) Grilled watermelon is an excellent substitute for sticks when roasting marshmallows.
25) NYC = Orderly chaos at warp speed. New Orleans = Chaos wrapped in whiskey, wrapped in an enigma, battered and fried.
26) I can write the most beautiful essay in my head while running, and forget the whole thing once I get home.
27) How to make a Princess Leia slave costume from scratch.
28) Nutria Rats are gross. (Holy fuck.  So gross.) New Yorkers, how'd you like to meet up with one of these on your way home?

29) Being sidelined for seven months does not do good things for your ass.  Or your abs.  Or your mental stability.
30) How to dog-proof a house for two pug/husky, rescued street dogs.  Instructions:  Move anything not nailed down to a location too tall for even a human to  reach.  Forget where you put everything. Remember where you put things, but forget you did so precariously.  Prepare for an avalanche.  After all this, the dogs will have found something not nailed down to eat anyway.
31) It is possible to miss the New York City subway.
32) If you are ever going to try the task in #1 make sure you have the world's most awesome friends and loved ones to help you do all the things you can't do while you're stuck on your ass for months.
33) I'm faster on crutches than I am walking.
34) Virginia is a  mother-fucking long-ass state to drive through.
35) Mississippi is a mother-fucking weird-ass state to drive through. 
36) Being a day-dreamer can get pretty lonely.
37) I don't read enough anymore.  I need a summer  reading  list.  Oh...list!
38) When you move your whole life 1,500 miles away, you lose things  (all of my  marathon medals) and find things (Smurfette necklace from my childhood; that hoodie I've been looking for since three apartments ago).
39) The sun in New Orleans between 10:00am and 1:00pm  will melt the flesh off your skull.  Even in January.
40) My parents are actually really awesome.
41) Tourists are obnoxious everywhere.  Especially when they are falling over in their own vomit.
42) Living in a politically red state can be infuriating.
43) No one makes grilled pb&j like South in Brooklyn.
44) Sometimes ordering a coffee in New Orleans feels a little bit like Waiting for Godot.
45) I don't miss driving  in snow, but I do miss the white silence as it falls.
46) Pizza and bagels do not exist in the South.
47) Fried poptarts.  Holy. Balls.
48) Making friends as an adult is a lot harder than it was in kindergarten.
49) How to determine the percentage of crazy vs. the percentage of drunk of any early morning straggler down my block. (Note:  Attempt this only with a spare-parts, sort of threatening-looking dog in tow.)
50) The grass isn't always greener on the other side; sometimes it's just a different shade of brown.